Breadstuck

March 26, 2013 at 11:03 am | Posted in Business | 6 Comments
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More than one is a miracle.

More than one is a miracle.

Bread: plain, simple, honest … daily – yes?

No.

I’ve had a bewildering range of bread ‘experiences’.

I suspect they hold lessons on dining, business and life. Yet I can’t find a unifying theory.

If table my data, will you help me use my loaf?

The Stick

Some venues emphasise ‘stick’ over ‘bread’. Pale wands that laugh at butter and look like they’re from 1970. Bitten, they explode into a silica that absorbs moisture and glues teeth.

The Shard

This seed-studded sliver has an elastic centre that hints at dough. The impression shatters as the crust cuts in.

The Shard often comes with a saucer of olive oil that appears to have escaped from a truck gearbox. A request for butter triggers disbelief, derision and deteriorating service.

The Slice

A cornerstone of Australian pub culture, The Slice is white, single and preconceived.

Common to every meal, it mirrors its environment: brown for gravy, crimson for beetroot, yellow for cheese sauce.

Requests for seconds (or olive oil) are met with stares, swears or beatings according to age and gender.

The Solo

Native to wedding receptions, this pleasant item (pictured above) is strictly rationed to guest numbers. This is odd, given its low cost and the margins needed to cover skewed main orders.

Waiters may pretend to revisit the kitchen, but the answer’s always no.

Only via a generous partner or a no-show guest (within arm’s reach) can you win a dual. Then you must fight for another swipe at the communal butter dish.

The Multi

Favoured by family bistros, this dramatic variation of The Solo is ‘multi’ in every way.

Grain and wholemeal triple choice. A big basket lets you plunder with impunity. Cascades of butter patties complete the cornucopia.

Rare venues take The Multi even further, baking their bread, whipping their butter and presenting armloads of both at the slightest provocation.

This is the ultimate bread experience.

The Twist

This cruel subterfuge usually reveals once you’ve ordered. On asking for bread, you’re offered a dripping garlic roll, a trio of dips with pita or a home-baked Turkish loaf (with olive oil).

Stiff prices apply. No reductions or variations are permitted. Any request for dish components triggers ejection.

Trends

  1. The more a meal costs, the less bread you get.
  2. The more ‘modern’ a venue, the greater the olive oil risk.

Questions

  1. Why is it so hard to get a satisfying amount of bread and butter when dining out?
  2. Do venues ration bread to make diners spend more?
  3. Do other sectors use similar practices?
  4. What is this olive oil crap?

I now totally get why the loaves and fishes was a big deal.

I knead your help with the rest!

🙂

Paul Hassing, Founder & Senior Writer, The Feisty Empire

6 Comments »

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  1. I suspect this story would do just as well on other of your fora. Or do I mean ‘flora’? Anyway, it’s one of those business paradoxes … minimal effort for maximum customer satisfaction. That said, I’m watching my figure, so no bread is good bread. I hope you get some restaurateurs chiming in. It’s the yeast you deserve. (Sorry.)

    • Hi, Ad. I think it’s ‘Flora’. I’d congratulate you, but that’s Meadow Lea. I’ve posted this at http://www.facebook.com/Sydneysbestrest so I do hope to get a rise. With kind regards and many thanks for baking and entering. P. 🙂

  2. Why not bake your own bread, Paul. My husband has been doing this for the past 6 months and at less than a dollar a loaf of rye sour dough bread which is delicious hot, cold or toasted!

    • That’s a great idea, Annie! Do you bake from scratch or use one of those bread making machines? I’m tempted to follow your lead. As restaurant service deteriorates and my wife’s cooking prowess never seems to stop growing, we’ve more reason to dine at home than ever. Thank you kindly for your comment. P. 🙂

  3. Brilliant! Am in total agreement. I actively seek out places that offer “The Multi” and have been on the receiving end of “The Twist” disappointingly often.

    Glad SOMEONE is asking the important questions! 😉

    • Thank you, Jackie; it’s so nice to find a kindred spirit. I’m very grateful to you for visiting this post and promoting it online. I hope you come back soon! Kind regards, P. 🙂


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